I Am Zero

I've been with Hope Church Singapore since the latter part of year two thousand. I'd never have imagined what I'd be doing for God and how far I'd've come in my spiritual walk. But every now and then comes a day where I'd get into a mood where I'm insecure, and this was one of those days.

I have really got to wonder, God, why you chose me for this role in Your kingdom - to play bass and to disciple people to play bass and to band lead. Frankly, I haven't much confidence in myself. People around me tell me that I can do a lot of things and that I'm talented at those many things, most obviously music. I have never felt that that was the case.

I really don't understand why you chose me to play bass. I don't really think I have a ton of musical talent - I just happened to have some formal musical training, which enabled me to pick the instrument up faster. I do think that there are people better suited to playing bass for You, who have more talent, who have better sensitivity to Your Spirit, and who have a better understanding of music. Why have they not stepped forward to take up the mantle? I look at other incredible musicians that surround me in church, like Gerald, Geoffrey, Kaiwen and Yaoguo and I cringe that You put me on stage to play with them, when I make a mistake every single time I minister. And that's the least of it.

I'm now the foremost discipler of new bassists in church, I think, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. I think my gift of teaching ranks near the bottom among the rest of my spiritual gifts. I look back at all the lessons I've given and I'm appalled at their quality, at how I fumble and struggle to explain all the concepts of music theory and playing techniques applicable to bass. I can never bring myself to adequately teach what I've managed to pick up since I've started playing. I really do feel like the joke's on me sometimes, like I was chosen to take up this role so that I can provide You with some modicum of entertainment. Was I created to put a smile on Your face that way? Wisdom obviously says not, but I feel like that sometimes. That's not all.

You've made me a band leader too. That's the funniest thing of all. If my gift of teaching ranks near the bottom, then my gift of leadership IS at the bottom of my list of spiritual gifts. If there's one thing I know about myself with all certainty, it's that I wasn't created to lead, especially not in real time. I'm such a slow thinker, a monotasker, and I don't react quickly to a developing situation. I can't play in time and think of what progression to play, and nearly at the same time, talk or gesticulate to convey my instructions. I can't grasp the theory behind changing keys from one worship song to another, so I can't really help the keyboardists out in that area. I'm useless as an on-stage band leader. Why did You make me one?

Half the time, I haven't a clue of what I'm doing in ministry. Things happen so fast around me I just go with the flow. I love serving as a bass player, even though I feel that I'm not up to the mark. There's real joy in ministering on stage. I only serve in discipling and band leading because they are important areas that need to be seen to and You haven't revealed individuals who can take my place and serve in a far more effective capacity than I'm able to. You leave me no choice but to acknowledge the influence of Your hand in my life actually haha...